My HusBand Says My Vagina Is Huge And He Had Never Enjoyed Making Love To Me.

 

 There's a lot involved in this story but I'll try my best to keep in on topic and not jump around too much. The two mains points involve this. I met my husband when we were both 15. I was in good shape and not by any means fat at that age. I wasn't the athletic type but I did go to aerobics, did quite a bit of walking and bike riding at that age. My husband I are now 38. We made love for the first time at 16 and that night we had been making out for hours, I was so turned on that I could hardly take it anymore and wanted him really bad. It was both of our first times. He told me years later that , that night when he finally slid inside of me that I was open so wide he couldn't even feel it. I'll be honest he is has a larger penis even back then at 16 he was pretty thick and 7-8" when hard so by no means small. He says he couldn't believe it, he could feel "NOTHING" that night but was able to cum anyway.

So, I get pregnant young and had our son at 17. I went from 4 centimeters dilated in minutes and had our son in about 3 good pushes with no tearing or anything. Had our second child at 24 the same exact way fast and several hard pushes no tearing. After that I put on weight and he picked on me for being overweight for years.

I always tried to please him sexually as much as I could. Doing anything including setting up two threesomes with two of my friends for him because he really wanted it. To jump ahead 10 years into our marriage he had an affair with a woman from work. He did this behind my back for 2.5 years in our bed and everything. To show you how devoted I am to him, when I found out that his mistress wouldn't have anal sex with him, I climbed in the shower and bent over and took the pain to please him because she wouldn't. I know I'm dysfunctional for doing that but my devotion to him probably borders what most would consider abnormal.

Don't get me wrong, I've made his life hell too since the affair came out in response to my pain from how much the betrayal hurt, I am no angel I have my faults too. But I have been ALWAYS been faithful even when I knew he was cheating (I lived in denial for a while) he was so cruel to me during the affair (and for about a year after) ,I thought the pain was going to kill me and still don't know where I found the strength to even make it through.

Anyway, since the affair he really has done everything he could to change for me, from foods he eats, to music he listens to etc. you name it he's done it. I have changed a lot about myself for him too but the one thing he's wanted more than anything all these (23) years is for me to have a good body.

I have my own problems and was pretty damaged when I came to him, violent home, sexual assault you name it so his life with me hasn't been the easiest either so my weight which is about 45 pounds overweight right now and most of our marriage has been hard for me to loose. I don't know exactly why I think it's very psychological due to everything I've been through, I did get about 5 pounds from the weight I was when we met for about 3 years in the beginning of our marriage and he still picked on me and said I wasn't good enough and should give him what he wants.
He has bashed my self esteem which was already pretty damaged when we met into the ground and then pounded it down as far and as deep as it could go. Now after 23 years of being called too fat and told I was an embarrassment to the point he wouldn't take me around his friends etc. I have NO self esteem even though I get looks from tons of men even at this weight I've been told I'm extremely attractive by just as many it's just not good enough for him.

Yesterday we had a fight about our different opinions on monogamy, he doesn't believe in it and I do. Anyway, during this fight I was addressing his past porn addiction and he told me he did that cause that's what he likes and wanted and he then tells me that all these years "he didn't like it and had to take care of himself every single day because I was too big down there and he's never been able to feel it when we make love" he told me that even now and all the 23 years we've been making love he didn't and doesn't like it and that I'm abnormally big down there.
It hurt so bad hearing that, it's so embarrassing to know that my husband has disliked making love to me all these years. I cannot even find he words to describe how bad it hurts. He then during the fight told me that that he's been with two other women (one being the mistress he cheated with) and he "noticed a HUGE difference in what they felt like compared to me". He said "don't cry about it, do something about it already".

I couple years ago I started swinging kettlebells and he said that's the only time he's been able to feel my "huge pussy" and that I should do something about it already.
He says it's ok to tell me these things because the marriage counselor said we should be completely honest with each other and be totally transparent. He's thrown all his changes in my face and said he'll do anything for me but no matter how many times he's asked for a better body I won't do it for him.

I am wondering how I'll ever make love to my husband again without wanting to cry knowing he's just not enjoying my vagina and in the back of my mind hearing him tell me how huge it is and how much he's disliked it to the point he'd rather jerk off everyday than be inside me. I am devastated. I literally wake up crying in my sleep I'm so embarrassed, humiliated and hurt!

The thing is that he turns me on so much that I know I am opening up like crazy inside just from foreplay etc. I can literally feel the walls spreading as we kiss and touch each other. He told me during the fight "then don't get turned on cause it gets huge and I can't feel it" and that if I am ever with other guys "I better swing bells first cause I got a lot to tighten up" I told him that I'd like to be with another man his size and get another's opinion cause he's the only man I've ever been with and he said "do you really want to cry that hard" meaning when the guy tells me how huge my vagina is I am going to be devastated.

I just want to know if he's right? Could I at 15 and a normal body size and weight just have a huge vagina that no man could like and what can I do to measure myself to see if I'm some huge freak down there? He says we'll go to the gyno and he can measure me and tell me I'm too big or how big I am compared to other women. I feel like I just want to be loved unconditionally and know like everyone that I deserve that. There isn't anything I won't do for him in bed, I deep throat for hours sometimes, swallow, you name it I do NOT tell him no to anything, but this vagina size and in the past my extra weight makes him appear to hate me for not being what he wants.
I know most of you are going to tell me he's a jerk and to leave but I don't know why I just can't no matter how bad he hurts me, I just can't live without him, I love him and feel like I'm missing half of my body when he's gone.

Could I really be that big? Is it ok for him to do this to me and if this is the only thing he's asked of me (lose weight and to tighten) am I am I a bad wife for not doing it? I mean I've heard that when you put an index finger inside yourself and if the opening of the vagina touches it when you do a kegel you're pretty tight and ok. I put my index finger inside of myself and do that and I can squeeze it with the opening my my vagina.
Can anyone give me any advice here???